Furniture shopping

I was looking at the furniture we bought for the new apartment (we moved in about three weeks ago). Somehow, all my choices ended up being what we bought. Even after I was banned from the furniture store, or even furniture shopping with the girlfriend ever again.

It's not my fault, frankly. After the seventh or so time a salesperson asked me if I needed help, or not-so-smoothly tried to sell me on whatever vomit-looking bedroom set happened to be near me at the time, I stopped feeling the compulsion to even feign politeness. The salesbastard who asked me not once, not twice, but three fucking times if he could make some suggestions, I asked him if he could recommend which particular type of material best hid blood and semen stains.

Questions of "Did you have a particular set up in mind?" "Yes," I said, "which of these couches is most likely to not break under the weight of a horse?" or "Sure, I know it would look great with cherry wood, but if you force someone's face into it, how likely are they to smother?"

What I got was not horror or shocked silence. No, instead, I watched these saleswhores attempt to come up with an answer, fumbling through "Well, uh, I imagine" or "I'd bet it could problably withstand leather bindings, I guess..."

Defeated, I gave up and was asked by my girlfriend to go wait outside. Before I made it to the doors, one last sales person assured me he could really get me a deal. I said "Dude, if I wanted a whore in a bad suit to suck my dick for money, there are websites. Fuck off."

Sales. It's not a job, it's a religious cult with white shirts and fugly ties instead of death shrouds. From twenty feet away, they look and smell the same, vultures reeking of carrion and their own filth. Except I'd rather have a vulture vomit the decaying remains of a week-old road kill on me than sit through a timeshare presentation. I have limits, after all.

The furniture looks nice. I keep thinking what would really tie the room together would be the corpse of one of those salesbastards hanging over the entertainment center, however.